Careers at Zonely
Where dreams come to... wait for funding
⚠️ NOT HIRING
But we appreciate your optimism!
Look, we'd love to hire you. You seem great. But our current team consists of one visionary founder, an AI that works for free, and a cat named Mr. Whiskers who contributes mostly moral support (and occasionally bugs).
Positions We'd Totally Hire For (If We Could)
📍 Remote (literally anywhere, we're not picky) • 💰 $500K/year in monopoly money
We're looking for someone to wrangle our unicorns. We don't have any unicorns yet, but when we do, you'll be ready. Must have 10+ years experience with mythical creatures.
Requirements:
- PhD in Unicornology (or equivalent fantasy degree)
- Ability to work independently (very independently, like completely alone)
- Comfortable with ambiguity and non-existent job responsibilities
- Fluent in Parseltongue (negotiable)
📍 Office (we don't have one) • 💰 Paid in pizza
Critical role ensuring our team meetings have the optimal pizza-to-person ratio. You'll be responsible for navigating the minefield of dietary restrictions, pineapple preferences, and that one person who insists on anchovies.
Requirements:
- Strong opinions about thin vs. thick crust
- Ability to mediate heated debates about pineapple on pizza
- Excellent negotiation skills with pizza delivery apps
- Not lactose intolerant (or at least willing to suffer for the cause)
📍 Hybrid (home/coffee shop/beach) • 💰 Exposure & stock options (worthless)
Need someone to creatively explain why features are delayed, why bugs are actually "features," and why our app sometimes shows properties in the wrong state. Must be able to spin anything into a positive.
Requirements:
- Master's degree in Creative Writing or pathological optimism
- Ability to say "It's not a bug, it's a feature" with a straight face
- Experience blaming Mercury retrograde for technical issues
- Excellent at saying "It works on my machine" convincingly
📍 Anywhere with WiFi • 💰 $1 million (Zimbabwean dollars)
We need someone to manage our collection of 847 custom Slack emojis. You'll be responsible for adding new emojis, archiving outdated memes, and explaining to boomers what ":skull:" means.
Requirements:
- Encyclopedia knowledge of internet culture from 2010-present
- Ability to create custom emojis of team members' faces
- Strong opinions about when to use :thumbsup: vs :+1:
- Will definitely judge you if you use :smile: instead of :slightly_smiling_face:
Benefits We'd Offer (Hypothetically)
🏖️
Unlimited PTO
Because if you're not working here, every day is a vacation!
💰
Competitive Salary
We compete with... absolutely no one. Because we're not hiring.
🏠
Remote-First
Work from anywhere! Including your current job.
🎯
Stock Options
In a company that hasn't gone public and probably never will!
🐕
Pet-Friendly
We have a cat. His name is Mr. Whiskers. He hates everyone.
☕
Free Coffee
If you make it yourself. At your own house.
Ready to Not Join Us?
We'll keep your resume on file (in a very secure recycling bin) and reach out when we inevitably get acquired by a tech giant for an undisclosed amount.
Apply Now (Just Kidding)
Seriously though, download our app at the App Store. That would be cool.
Real Talk: We're a small but mighty team building something special. When we do start hiring, we'll post real positions here. In the meantime, if you love what we're building, the best way to support us is to download Zonely, leave a review, and tell your real estate friends about us. ❤️